So Who's a Sexual Deviant?
In this crazy world we live in, what exactly constitutes someone being conferred with the title “sexual deviant”?
I wanted to leave some space there for thought. To me the answer is pretty simple, however I'd like to expand a little beyond the sexual before I share my version of deviance.
The word itself comes from deviate – to stray, wander, go off the line, away from the 'norm', etc., etc. What is the norm is today’s world? Does what is common equate to what is normal? If that were the case then perhaps porn addiction or dependence is normal, perhaps paedophilia is normal, and perhaps teen pregnancy is normal? I'm not suggesting this is so, just pondering what makes for normal.
Is what is accepted considered to be normal? Crooked politicians and corporations? Fast food being cheaper than salad and veggies?
I'm not talking purely about sexuality here, that's true. I wanted to include a wholistic approach to what is considered deviant. And not just relative to a so-called 'norm' but something I feel is more important. That is, authenticity. Let's forget about normal for a minute and move into a deeper meaning, or sense, so that we can establish the line from which we may deviate. Authenticity allows each person to establish their own sense of normal for themselves and work from there.
Naturally, this opens the field right up for a myriad of possibility. If authentic for me means one thing, that doesn't automatically mean that it's authentic for another, and I won't dwell on this point as it would be too long-winded to come to any conclusive outcome. What I'm interested in here is the underlying sense of how being authentic works with regard to deviance. For me it is simply about how I feel with my personal sense of authenticity. That is to say, if it feels good, complete or right, without doubt, shame or a sense of wrongness then I'm in line with what it authentic.
I will use Gestalt theory to take this one step further. In Gestalt theory there is a cycle of experience, which is: Sensation, Awareness, Mobilisation, Action, Contact, Satisfaction and Withdrawal. For example, we have a sensation of a tummy rumble, the awareness of hunger, mobilisation by getting up to make the food, the action of making the food, contacting the hunger by eating the food, satisfaction of eating and withdrawal after eating, and the cycle is complete. At each stage there is the question of authenticity, and at any stage authenticity can be over-ridden by patterning, baggage, issues, stuff, call it what you will. Here, the example is food, but this cycle can be applied to any area of life, including sexuality and at any stage of this cycle deviance from what is authentic can occur.
So how do we not deviate from what is authentic for us individually? First, we have to be aware that we're deviating, and how can we know what we don't know? For me, if there's something that doesn't feel 'right' within the cycle, that's a great indication that there's something I don't know, and an opportunity to do something about it. What that something is depends on the situation and is a completely personal journey.
When it comes to sexual deviance, I would suggest that if there's something that's not creating a sense of satisfaction, whether it's physical fulfilment, a lack of intimacy, not feeling loved, feeling hurt or misunderstood, or whatever, then there's the opportunity to see what's happening within the cycle of the experience and finding a way to change it. And if we don't know what we don't know, then it's time to find out exactly what it is we don't know and find a way to know.
Since working in Somatic Sexuality, I've come to realise that I didn't know a lot about my body, how I was looking at relationship (especially my own relationship to sex), the lack of decent education around sex and most importantly what was actually possible. Now that I do know what I don't, and didn't, know I have a greater knowledge of where my deviance occurs.
Now that I'm armed with this knowledge I can say that when I engage in sexual activity, with myself or another, if I feel something is lacking and I don't feel satisfaction, then I'm deviating from what is authentic for me. I am fortunate enough to have the tools to be able to come back to satisfaction (in most instances)* so that I can have a fulfilling sex life, and life in general, and my desire is that you have those tools as well.
Being a deviant (tongue in cheek) can be fun, although I would ask; is it fun to deviate from your own satisfaction? Is it fun to deviate from your heart’s desire?
Love and Blessings for your Journey,
* I say “most instances” because for me nothing is ever 'perfect' and life is an ongoing journey of learning. So instead of striving for the ever-elusive 'perfect' I'm happy to settle for excellence.